Greetings, Freaks!

It's June and we're half-way through the double-booked 2020/2021 mega-year of brain-twisting highs, lows and WTFs. Can you believe it?

Don't worry, you don't have to believe it. In fact, we mostly recommend you don't believe it. Or, really anything for that matter. The only thing belief is good for is to sell you stuff and why in the world would we want to do that?

Oh wait. Scratch that. You should totally believe It. And by "It", we mean everything we're about to tell you right now. Because somehow we ended up in a position where we're supposed to convince you to buy stuff from us. Specifically, beer. And shirts. And lifestyle. And these little dioramas Jason has been making where he recreates great moments in baseball with taxidermied frogs in wigs. They're amazing and you can get them RIGHT NOW at our poorly designed web store for the low, low, LOW price of $156.99. While life on earth lasts.

At long last, we've got our City of Chicago Liquor Task Force appointment!! Next Thursday, the fine folks of the City of Chicago are going to stop by and cause us stress, anxiety and, more than likely, more money. But we've never been happier to have any of those unpleasant emotions and experiences thrown into our laps because it means we're dangerously close to opening our Mind Control Super Store and Tap Room Extraordinaire!!! Eat your vitamins, say your prayers and throw a little love and good luck our direction as we do this thing. Please.

It seems plausibly realistic that we could be open by mid-July if all goes modestly OK, which, you know, is all we can really hope for these days. Facebook or Instagram are your best options for immediate news on when we're opening. And, of course, this lovely newsletter as well. SO CLOSE!

The best way to bide your time while we make our brothers & sisters at City Hall happy is to stay a little bit drunk. Not black out, gross out your friends and family kind of drunk, but just a little swervy. It makes work better and your kids more tolerable. It whitens the teeth and makes for much stronger bones and thicker hair. And, no matter what any one tells you, it does make you funnier. And it makes our emails a lot more coherent.

We're biased here at the International IBW Space Station and Cult Member Only Hair Salon, but, we think the best way to stay that proper amount of gentlemanly drunk (or gentlewomanly (or gentle-whateverly)) is on our two most recent releases: Tony's Humble Pie and Slushy Thing #1.

You know Tony's Humble Pie, it's the same, delightful 8% blueberry pie beer you've been using to get through Thanksgiving for the past couple of years. But now you can get it in 16oz cans and, BELIEVE US, it's the best way to celebrate all the stuff you never got done while the world burned down around us.

Slushy Thing #1 is our first pass at the newest and dumbest fad in beers, slushy beers. Full of sweet cherry, key lime, cranberry, vanilla and lactose, this 6% sour ale tastes prettay similar to a Slurpee and will set your records straight if you ask it nicely. It pairs well with Andy Kapp Hot Fries and is the perfect foil for your next trip to the DMV. We've got two more variations on this style coming at you this summer, one with a seltzer base and like twice as much fruit as this one and another that... well, we'll wait to tell you when we get there.

What's most important about these Slushy Thing beers is that our wizard designer has made them in the image and likeness of the limited edition cups you used to get your slurpees in back in the 1970s. Now, we know that nobody born in the 1970s would even think about drinking a freaking beer that tastes like a slurpee, so settle down, we don't expect you to get the joke.

Oh! OH! We got more shirts in. Go to our TERRIBLY DESIGNED web store and buy all of them. It is the only way to clear your conscience. I swear.

One last bit of exciting AF news: THERE'S A BEER FESTIVAL THIS WEEKEND! I know, I know. Shhhhhh. We're all pretty excited. Come to the Morton Arboretum on June 19th, embarrass yourself and say hi to our newest employee Zac Rodgers. He's a real nice guy and new to Chicago. Please take some time to explain to him that nobody in Chicago actually eats Chicago-style pizza. He'll understand eventually.

Ok, everybody. Go buy some beer! And shirts! And dioramas!